We sat at the table eating dinner, filling everyone in on our visit with Tobey’s father and brothers, recounting tales of funny thing the boys had said and done, and how we’d spent our days in Medford. Dinner was a good fresh meal of teriyaki tofu stir-fry with brown rice, grilled shrimp and sea scallops (for everyone but Tobey that is) a crisp green salad and crusty French bread warm from the oven. I surprised myself with my hunger, passing my plate for seconds of the rice and grilled shrimp. Tobey sat next to me at the table and as I started in on my second plate of food, he reached over and rubbed my back.

“It’s good to see you eating again,” he said.

It was true my appetite had been lacking lately, and I’d lost weight. I’d spent most of the last month barely eating and it had taken its toll not just on my appearance, but had contributed to my feelings of lethargy as well. I was thinner than I ever had been, though, and kind of enjoying it. I had never been a stick-thin girl. I was Natalia Bowman, five-foot-five, 130-135 pounds. While not heavy by any means, I was nowhere near as thin as most the females in the Hollywood acting community that Tobey and Leo tended to hang out with. I was a normal size 8 or 10 girl who had a hard time getting or keeping her weight below one twenty-five.

Currently, however, I knew I was at about 120, give or take. My size eight jeans hung loosely on my hips and even my bras seemed a little big. I knew some of the weight would be coming back – indeed, already had, most likely. But I was really hoping it wouldn’t climb back in the 130’s again, I was secretly enjoying my newfound thinness and had assumed Tobey would too.

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken those second helpings, I now thought, pushing the rice around in my plate. I drank from my glass of iced tea and continued to engage in the conversation at the table as everyone around me finished their dinner and Leo began stacking plates. Tobey made a move to get up and help and Leo told him to sit and relax, he’d take care of it.

“You done, sweetie?” Leo asked me.

“Yeah,” I sighed, handing him my plate. “My eyes were bigger than my stomach.”

Monica was at the sink, rinsing the dishes and loading them into the dishwasher. I noticed Tobey watching her from the corner of his eye and cringed when I saw her placing the bowls in the top rack. I knew he had a very methodical way of loading the dishwasher and Monica was doing it all wrong! I nudged him under the table when I saw him start to say something and he turned to me.

I looked him right in the eye and raised my eyebrow, trying not to smirk as I laughed.

“Just try not to watch what she’s doing,” I whispered, making Tobey laugh at himself now.

Soon there was hot coffee brewing and Leo began some secretive project over on the counter. He swore and called Tobey for help.

“What’s he up to?” I asked.

“Just stay here,” Tobey said, getting up. “This could be dangerous.”

Monica came back from the sink to sit at the table with Wendy and I, laughing herself silly.

“What is it?” I asked.

“I’ll explain in a few minutes,” she said, glancing at Wendy and now they both laughed.

“I knew this was going to happen,” I heard Tobey saying to Leo. “You didn’t spray that other pan did you?”

This had Monica flat out dying with laughter.

“What in the world is wrong with you?” I asked her, laughing along just because she was so funny.

Catching her breath, she pointed toward Leo and Tobey who were swearing back and forth at each other over by the counter.

“It’s a good thing I bought all this fruit!” Tobey exclaimed just then, sending Monica over the edge once more.

“I think the boys put on quite a show this afternoon for Monica with their cooking skills,” Wendy said quietly to me.

“Oooooh,” I said, beginning to understand now. “Well, Tobey’s a good cook.”

“But Leo is a comedy or errors,” Monica said, gasping now, “and a slob.”

“Oh, right,” I cringed.

“And Tobey gets so mad at him!”

“They are pretty funny,” Wendy admitted. “They’ve gone through these same hijinks since they were about fourteen or fifteen.”

“Some things never change, I guess.”

Leo was still grumbling about something and Tobey was now telling him to clean something up. With that Leo went to the sink and turned on the water first, and then the garbage disposal.

“Oh, no,” Monica groaned, getting up from the table.

“What are they doing?” I whispered to Wendy.

“I’m not sure,” she said, shrugging, “but apparently fruit is now involved?”

I turned around in my chair to see Monica walking over to Leo.

“Did you have to throw it all out?”

“No, just one of them,” Tobey said. “With my help, we salvaged the other one.”

What were they talking about?

“Oh, that looks good, Tobey,” Monica told him.

“Hey!” This from Leo.

“Well I guess you had your part in it, too,” Monica shrugged at him, making Tobey laugh outloud now as he brought four mugs to the table where Wendy and I sat.

“Dessert will be ready in a second,” he told us, laughing, going back for the pot of coffee.

“All that was over dessert?” I cried.

“Not just any dessert, Nat!” Monica said.

Leo turned away from the counter then, carrying a tray that had several blazing candles sticking out of it.

“Happy Birthday, Natty!” he said, placing the tray in the center of the table.

“Ooooh!” I cried. So that’s what the secrecy was about!

On the tray before me stood a flat cake or tart of some sort, covered in an array of sliced, fresh fruit that had been lightly drizzled with what looked like honey and dusted with a bit of cinnamon.

“It’s gorgeous,” I said.

“That does look good,” Wendy complimented.

“Well I had a little help,” Leo admitted now, taking his seat at the table.

“Yeah,” Tobey scoffed. “A little.”

“:Shut up, bro, it’s the thought that counts!”

“C’mon you two, we have to sing before the candles go out,” Monica said.

Everyone launched into singing Happy Birthday to me and then the dessert plates and coffeepot were passed around as I was asked to cut the cake. Tobey told us all how Leo got the bright idea to bake me a cake that afternoon when they’d gone to the market to pick up food for dinner.

“I knew it was going to be a mistake,” he said.

“Tobey! This is not a mistake,” I said, “this is a lovely dessert and Leo is right, it’s the thought that counts. Thank you so much.”

“Aww, you’re welcome,” he said, feigning bashfulness. “It was supposed to be twice as big and have frosting on it, but the frosting turned out runny and the other caked stuck all inside the pan and we couldn’t get it out.”

It all made sense now, and I couldn’t help but giggle, only imagining the chaos and grief he’d caused Tobey over attempting to make a simple cake.

“Too bad you didn’t have a video camera,” I said to Monica.

“I know!” she cried. “I could be rich!”

No one could help but laugh at that, as we all settled in to eat our fruit-topped dessert.

“Mon, did you, uhhh . . .” Leo was asking her with a raised eyebrow.

“Oh right!” she said. “Excuse me a second!” She dashed from the table and disappeared into the other room.

“Me too,” Wendy said, “I need to get something.”

I looked quizzically at the guys and then Monica returned with a brightly stuffed gift bag in her hand and Wendy was behind her with a gift-wrapped box.

“We aren’t going to see you on your birthday in a few days,” Monica said, “so we wanted to give you this tonight.”

“And I was going to mail mine to Hawaii so you’d get it in time,” Wendy said, “but Tobey invited me for dinner and saved me the postage!”

“Oh thank you,” I said, truly overwhelmed. “This is so unexpected!” I reached for the gift bag first and reached in, pulling out a large, thick envelope. Inside I found gift certificates for the salon and day spa Monica and I had visited earlier in the day – twelve of them actually. “Oh my gosh,” I cried. “I must need a lot of work!” I said, laughing.

“Not at all,” Leo said. “They have like a one year membership deal – you can go once a month for a whole year.”

“It’s really neat, Nat,” Monica said. “The certificates are for whatever you want done. You can go in and get a facial, massage and a pedicure one month, and the next month you can get a haircut, color and a manicure.”

I looked at her closely just then, and she had her hand resting on the table in front of her, but her index finger was pointing towards her lap. I looked up to see her wiggling her eyebrows at me then, so I kicked her! The girl was positively fixated on the bikini wax!

“This is going to be a busy year for you, Natalia,” Leo said now, “so Monica and I thought it would be nice, you know, you can go in and get pampered a little bit each month.”

“Oh, yes,” I agreed, “I’ll really enjoy this, thank you.”

“Well, you know, Nat. You’re going to be graduating in May,” Monica rattled on, “Tobey’s got Spider-Man coming out then too. There’s going to be lots of events and things coming up.”

“Oh gosh, you’re right,” I agreed, “it will be a busy year! Thank you again. I really like how they did my hair today, I’ll enjoy going back there.” I gave Monica a pointed look then and kicked her under the table once more for good measure. I of course would enjoy going back for haircuts and manicures, but I knew she had other procedures in mind as well!

I reached for the gift from Wendy now and she cleared her throat a little.

“Honey,” she said seriously, “when I bought this I assumed you’d be opening it in your hotel room, alone with Tobey.”

Oh good heavens, I thought. Now what?

“Mom!” Tobey cried.

Wendy reached over and playfully slapped his arm. “Oh for goodness sake, it’s not distasteful!” she cried as her cheeks blushed a slight pink.

“Well the way you said that - ” he admonished.

“Well – I just meant,” she said, flustered, “I just meant that I didn’t realize at the time that Natalia would be opening this in front of friends . . .”

“Should I wait till later?” I asked meekly.

“No,” Wendy said firmly. “There’s nothing in there that Leo hasn’t seen before!”

Tobey guffawed. “That’s not exactly reassuring, Mom!”

“Oh you kids!” she cried. “I shouldn’t have opened my mouth.”

We were all laughing now, but in truth I was a bit concerned that she’d even said anything. What on earth could it be, and for goodness sake – she was my boyfriend’s mother for crying outloud!

“Natalia, sweetie, just open the box,” Wendy told me. “I shouldn’t have even said a word.”

“Yeah open it, so me and Monica can go buy one of whatever it is on the way home!” Leo joked.

Wendy slapped him on the arm for that.

“Ow!” he joked.

I pulled the paper off the box and gingerly lifted the lid. Pulling back the tissue the first thing I saw was deep midnight blue silk fabric.

“I like the color,” I said, pulling the fabric from the box. It was a spaghetti strap nighty in the softest silk, embroidered at the neck and along the hem with a delicate flowery pattern. “Oh this is so pretty!” I exclaimed. It was completely feminine and delicate and I loved it. Under the nighty, the matching robe lay folded in the box as well.

“This is gorgeous, thank you!” I said, pulling the robe from the box as well. That’s when the matching thong underwear fell onto the table. “Oh,” I said, just staring at it.

“It came as a set,” Wendy said, “this is what I meant.”

Monica grabbed the thong and held it up for everyone to admire.

“Perfect timing, Natalia!” she cried, wiggling her eyebrows once more. I knew precisely what she meant – apparently thong underwear look better after a Brazilian bikini waxing! I threw her a look meant to pierce her like daggers and grabbed the thong away from her.

“Yep, I’ve seen those before,” Leo confirmed for us then, sending us all into gales of laughter.

* * *

Wendy left shortly after we finished our dessert, having to drive back down to her sister’s house in Fountain Valley. The rest of us piled into the front room to make final arrangements for the next day. Leo would again be driving Tobey and I to the airport. I went into the office and turned the computer on in order to check our flight status the next day. I logged on and went to the United Airlines website first, entering our flight number. Our flight was scheduled to depart the next day at 5:15 PM and we would arrive in Maui at approximately 6:48 PM Hawaii time. I relayed this information to Tobey and Leo as I printed out the schedule. Next I decided to take a quick peek at one of Tobey’s fansites – I just couldn’t help myself, I was curious what the public thought of him.

The site I went to was the one run by the girl in Canada who had sent a box full of gifts to Tobey for his birthday. It had been all spider-related stuff, Monica and I had gone through it all and had a good laugh. It was amazing to me what people would do to show their admiration for Tobey. People had sent beanie babies and games and books. Someone had even painted a T-shirt for him covered in spider webs and spiders, which Monica and I had found hilarious. Tobey didn’t think it was too funny when I wore it as a nighty though.

I clicked around the site, seeing what was new and ended up on the sightings page. Reading the first entry made me gasp.

“Monica!” I called. “Come here a second!”

“Whaaaat?” she asked, stepping into the office.

“Close the door!” I hissed and motioned her over to the desk.

She shut the door and stepped around behind the desk to stand near me. “What is it?”

“Check this out, we were spotted!” I couldn’t believe it. I showed her the screen, explaining it was one of Tobey’s fansites. “Look, it says just wanted to let you know that I personally had a chance to serve both Tobey and the dark-haired girl he was with at Starbucks coffee in Medford. The girl ordered a caramel macchiato and Tobey had a cappuccino. It’s signed Bystandore from Medford, Oregon.”

I stared at Monica wide-eyed. “We were really there!” I exclaimed.

“Wow, Nat – you’re the famous dark-hired girl now!” Monica said. “How’s it feel?”

“Weird, that’s how!” I exclaimed. “That was only three days ago and it’s already on here! I knew that girl at the counter was staring at us!”

Monica laughed. “It’s pretty harmless, Nat,” she said. “You guys got coffee at Starbucks. La-de-da. Do people really care about this?”

“It is kinda silly,” I admitted. “I just don’t think anyone’s noticed me before.”

I went to click off the page and Monica stopped me.

“Wait, what are the other sightings on there?” she asked. “Aren’t you curious what people are saying?”

“Well,” I said scrolling down. “There’s nothing else on here since March. The next one says I was on the set of Spider-Man on Friday March twenty-third - Tobey was there as Peter Parker, running towards the camera to become Spider-Man. And yes, he looks even yummier in real life! ”

Monica snorted. “Yummier? I never thought of Tobey as yummy in the first place.”

“Wait,” I said, laughing, “listen to this next one. I saw, and actually met Mr. Maguire a couple of times, he's a very nice guy, real funny, and the cutest smile ever. A lot of people told me he was stuck up but I didn't buy into it at all, and when I met him, I was like wow, this guy is so down to earth, and you know what? He is finer than FINE!”

“Stuck up? Tobey?”

I shrugged. “I think it’s because he’s quiet and tends to keep to himself,” I said. “I don’t know. This next one says He has really intense eyes and the creamiest skin. He seemed like a nice laid back guy. Awww.”

“That’s nice,” Monica said

“I think they only put nice ones on here,” I said.

“They forgot to say he’s yummy and FINE though.”

We were both snorting back giggles, not wanting to bring attention to ourselves.

“Oh goodness – and the next one: I was an extra in the movie Spider-Man and let me tell you, Tobey is HOT! In person, he is so gorgeous. I could stare at him all day. He seems really nice to his fans too. He even waved to me and did that little ‘raise the roof’ thing. It's gonna be a great movie.”

Monica was cracking up. “Tobey is so HOT!” she squealed, and did the raise the roof move herself. “And yummy and FINE, girrrrl!”

“Shhhh!” I hissed at her, doubled over giggling. “I’ve seen enough of this. Crazy people!” I proceeded to shut down the computer when Leo popped his head in.

“What the hell is so funny?” he asked. “What are you two up to?”

“Shhhh,” Monica hissed at him. “We were looking at the sightings on one of Tobey’s fansites.”

“Oh, geez,” he rolled his eyes.

“He’s apparently yummy, hot and FINE!” I laughed. “But don’t tell him!”

“He already knows,” Leo grumbled teasingly. “We’re all in it for the chicks – you two know that, right?”

“Oh stop,” Monica teased, playfully slapping him on the arm.

Leo opened the door and led us out of the office. We found Tobey in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher.

“What was going on in there?” he asked, eyebrow cocked.

“Sale at Victoria’s Secret online,” Leo quipped.

Monica and I dared not look at each other for the laughter that threatened just beneath the surface.

* * *

“So if we leave here tomorrow about three-ish, man, we should make good time.”

Leo and Monica were heading out the door.

“That’s fine,” Tobey said. “I just don’t want to get stuck on LaBrea in Inglewood and end up sitting there for an hour.”

“No, dude, we’ll take the four-oh-five,” Leo told him, “it shouldn’t be too bad at that hour. No one’s going to be out until later tomorrow night.”

Plans set, I hugged them both good-bye, whispering an apology to Monica for losing it on her earlier when she’d been helping me pack.

“Don’t worry about it,” she whispered back. “You can vent to me anytime.”

“Ughh,” I groaned, flopping into the living room chair. “We still have so much to do!”

“You’re just about packed though, aren’t you?” Tobey asked.

“Yeah, thanks to Mon. What a lifesaver, she brought all my clothes here,” I said. “She forgot a skirt that I was wanting to take, though. Oh well.”

“Well we have a lot of errands to run tomorrow, we can stop by your place if you want,” Tobey said. “We need to hit the drugstore, I’m out of contact solution.”

“Oh, yeah, I need stuff too,” I said. “Monica brought all my clothes, but I don’t have sunscreen or shampoo or anything!”

“Well, if we miss something, we can get it once we’re there, it’s not a big deal. The Wailea has a bunch of shops,” Tobey shrugged. “Did you look through that folder I gave you?”

“I did!” I said, “I took it with me to Medford, it looks amazing. You’ve been there before, right?”

Tobey nodded. “Oh yeah, it’s great. They really pamper the guests. You don’t even have to leave the grounds really, there’s so much there to keep you busy. We’ll do some sightseeing though, of course.”

“I’m so excited,” I breathed. “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii. It’s even worth flying over the water for,” I laughed.

“I thought you didn’t mind flying once the plane is airborne?”

“Well, yeah, but I’ve never flown over water before,” I told him. “That’s a little daunting!”

“Never?” he asked.

“Never! I’ve never been anywhere, Tobey,” I reminded him. “Well, I’ve been to Catalina Island!” I laughed.

“A whole thirty miles off the coast of Long Beach, eh?” he grinned.

“My parents didn’t take us on vacations,” I said. “I went to Seattle on my senior class trip in high school. I’ve seen the Space Needle. That was the first time I flew.”

“Wow,” Tobey said thoughtfully. “That’s it?”

I nodded.

“I’ve lived in more states than you’ve been to,” he said. “We never had much, but my Mom used to take me places. We went to Hawaii on her credit card when I was about twelve or something, stayed in some run down motel,” he laughed. “We thought we were really living it up, too.”

“Oh, my parents never would have done that,” I said. “The money they had went for school supplies and clothes and necessities for us.”

“It was the opposite for us,” Tobey laughed. “All my socks had holes in them, but my Mom would scrape together the money for me to take Karate or piano lessons. She got me really expensive gifts every year for my birthday and Christmas.”

“Not me,” I said. “Since my birthday is so close to Christmas, my folks would give me my presents under the tree and say it was for my birthday, too. I’d get a cake on my actual birthday, but that was it.”

“You’re kidding?” Tobey asked.

“No, they still do it! I got a Gap gift certificate this year and it says Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday on it,” I laughed. “I need to call them tomorrow,” I sighed. “I should make a to-do list.”

“I know, I need to get my shit together, I haven’t even started packing.”

“I got the laundry done,” I told him. “There’s clean white T-shirts folded on your bed. So you’re set.”

“Hey!”

I laughed. I always teased Tobey about his habit of wearing white T-shirts nearly every day.

“I’m going to take a couple gray ones too,” he said, laughing with me.

We went into his bedroom where I started helping him pull clothes out of the closet and from dresser drawers. I folded and arranged things in stacks for him while he chose some CD’s to take with us.

“How are you going to listen to those?” I asked, stretching out on my back next to his clothes on the bed. It had been a long day and I was beginning to really feel it now.

“Oh there will be a stereo in the suite,” he told me. “And a TV and DVD player. They have everything.”

“We’re getting a suite?” I asked, in near awe.

“Yeah, I was going to tell you.” He came and sat next to where I was stretched out on the bed. “They have the option of one king size bed or two queen sized, so I chose the one with the two beds,” he told me, “because I wanted to make sure – you know – that you’re comfortable and things.”

“Ooooh,” I sighed, feeling a bit self-conscious, but also relieved. “Thank you, that’s so thoughtful.”

He shrugged, not looking my way but adjusting the strap on his camera as he put it in its case. “I just want you to be comfortable,” he said, glancing over his shoulder at me now.

“Thank you,” I nodded, meaning it.

He tossed the camera case onto the bed near his stacks of folded T-shirts and stretched out next to me.

“You know, I’ve been thinking, Natalia, and I really think if we can just be really open and really talk to each other,” he said, his voice a little raspy. “I really think things will be OK.”

I nodded, a bit unprepared for this sudden serious tone to the conversation.

“It might be a little uncomfortable at first,” Tobey said, “but in the long run it will make things that much easier. We just need to say to each other what we’re thinking and feeling. And if we can talk about what’s going on, we can work through stuff together, you know? I want to help you and do what I can for you, but it would help me out if we can talk about it with one another. I can’t read your mind and you can’t read mine, so -”

“I don’t expect you too, honey. I know I’m hard to figure out right now, I’m trying to figure me out too,” I explained to him.

He nodded. “I know. I know you are. But maybe if we can talk about things together, you know, we can start to work some things out for each other. I think it would just be really good if we could really talk openly about stuff and not feel like we need to deal with this crap on our own. We’re in this together, and I want to help you and take care of you and do anything I can for you, so please just talk to me, Nat. I want to know what you’re thinking and feeling and experiencing. I know it’s not all that pleasant, some of it, but I’m willing to take on some of it for you if I possibly can.”

“OK,” I nodded, a lump forming in my throat.

“You’re not in this all alone, baby, “ Tobey said quietly, brushing his thumb over my forehead. “I’m here for you every step of the way.”

I slid closer to him on the bed then and placed my head on his shoulder as the tears burned the surface of my eyes. This was exactly what I needed to hear and it put my mind at ease. Tobey embraced me and kissed my forehead.

“I love you so much, Natty.”

“I know, I love you too,” I sniffled.

“I know you’ve got some anger, and that’s understandable, you can be mad at me and pissed off and whatever it takes,” he said. “As long as you’ll let me in and help you however I can.”

I sat up part way now, leaning on one elbow. “I’m not really mad so much anymore,” I explained. “I mean, not at you. I’m mad at the situation and the consequences and the people who did this to us. But - ”

Tobey nodded. “Yeah, me too.”

“I’m not really angry anymore with you,” I said. “I just kind of – well, I don’t really understand. Maybe you don’t either. But that day - ” It stabbed at my heart, still, that day that Tobey came into my front door and believing what he saw before him, he’d stormed out. “I don’t really understand why you thought that I would really do that. I mean, I realize, at that exact moment, it must have looked like insurmountable evidence, but did you really, deep down, think I would cheat on you and just sleep with some random stranger?”

He sighed heavily. “No,” he said simply. “No, I didn’t. And actually, to me, that made it hurt even worse. I couldn’t believe it, but yet – it was there, in front of my face, and - ”

I sat up now, staying close by his side. “I know it must have looked really bad,” I told him. “I can’t really remember too much, it’s all so cloudy. I remember you yelling and I’d never heard you raise your voice before – not like that – and it scared me so bad. It just rattled my insides. But it crushed me, Tobey, to know that you didn’t question, at all. And maybe I wouldn’t have either, but I wish I could understand - ”

“I’m sorry I scared you,” he said, rubbing my arm. “But you see, the night before, I’d never seen you drink like that. That kind of scared me, actually. You know I don’t have the friendliest relationship with alcohol. I know what it can do to people, and I know how it can turn you into someone you’re not.”

“Oooh,” I breathed. “Yeah, that was – not like me. You’re right. I don’t ever drink like that. I don’t know why I did.” I shrugged helplessly, the memories of that evening not even clear enough for me to recall how I’d even started in on those drinks.

“Well, seeing you that morning – at the time I assumed you were just hung-over but you looked so wasted, Nat, and that scared me too. I thought - I don’t know, I thought I didn’t know you very well right then. And that asshole sitting at your table bragging to me – I had thought he was some friend of Monica’s at first, I said hi to him! But when he opened his fucking mouth, I just – I could have ripped his head off. And you just stood there, and I thought you were still inebriated and - ” Tobey stopped, his breathing ragged just from the memory.

“This is the thing, Nat. I have so many memories of being left at some relative’s house when I was a kid, even if it was just for a few days or so. But every time a job was lost or the rent got increased, or Dad’s girlfriend dumped him, or whatever, every time, I was uprooted and moved around and left with a grandparent or an uncle. And every time I would feel abandoned and sometimes like I wasn’t wanted,” his voice broke. “And I understand now, it’s hard to go off and look for a new job or a new apartment with a little kid in tow. I understand sometimes when shit happens, people just need a few days alone to sort things out. But when I was five, six years old, I just felt like maybe I was in the way and no one really wanted me. And when I saw that asshole eating your cereal at your table in your apartment – it just brought all that back, Nat! That horrible, nasty voice inside whispered she doesn’t want you, man, she’s moved on!”

My hand rested on his chest as it rose and fell with each ragged breath as I watched his eyes fill with those angry, hurt tears, brought on by memories past. My own tears threatened to spill but I didn’t even notice. I reached for him and pulled him to my lap. Tobey laid his head on my leg and let the emotions pour forth. My fingers were in his hair as I soothed him, letting my tears fall right into his hair as I caressed his head. This scared me, seeing him like this, a grown man weeping into my lap. All of this had been inside him so long, I wondered did he ever share it with anyone, had he ever spoken of those long-ago feelings to anybody? They seemed so raw and new still, and knowing what had brought them bubbling to the surface once more tore at my heart. This explained everything.

I leaned forward and kissed his temple, his ear, his neck. “It’s OK,” I whispered through my own tears, “I’m so sorry, it’s OK, I didn’t know.” I pressed my face against him. “You’ve had a really hard time, too, Tobey. This was so hard, for both of us. I didn’t understand, but I do now. My poor Tobey.”

* * *

Tobey

He curled his body around her, seeking the security she offered him now. She had his head and shoulders supported on her lap, and he curled up against her legs, tucking his own legs up to rest against her lower back as she cradled his head. He pressed his face against her tummy, taking in the warm sent of her clothes and of her. Her fingers combed through his hair, soothing his nerves. His chest felt raw inside, as if the bronchitis he’d had at the holidays had come back to haunt him again. He coughed into the front of Natalia’s shirt, unable to suppress the spasms in his throat.

“Here, sweetie,” she whispered, bringing her hand to his face and drying his cheeks with the sleeve of her shirt. “It’s all right.” She even wiped his nose with her sleeve.

“Ugh, don’t,” Tobey protested, his nose was really runny.

“It’s OK,” she told him, “I’ve worked with lots of little kids and wiped a lot of runny noses.” She wasn’t put off in the least by a little runny nose.

“That was really hard for you,” she said now, “I’m so glad you told me all of this. It really helps me, things make a lot more sense to me now. I couldn’t really understand before, you know, how tough this was on you.”

He remained curled against her lap, taking in her warmth and comfort, craving her affection even as she lavished him with it.

“I was so wrapped up in my own self-centered pain that I didn’t really see yours,” Natalia told him.

“No,” he shook his head in her lap, “of course you didn’t, Nat. You couldn’t have. Dealing with your own was already too much.”

She thought about his words, knowing he was right. How ironic that the same event had left them both feeling so many of the same things, yet completely unable to share them with one another.

“What was it like?” she asked now. “Later that day, those four weeks – what were you thinking?”

Tobey sighed in her lap, going back to that day in his memory. Of coming home and smashing his cell phone and then their photo against the wall, the thirst for booze burning his throat. His tears pooled again, just remembering.

“I – I drove. For awhile. It was kind of – I don’t know, I was so numb and somehow I found myself parked in my driveway. The phone kept ringing and ringing - ”

“That was me,” she whispered.

“I know. It was making my head pound. It wouldn’t stop, so I made it stop – I threw the damn thing and busted into pieces.”

“Ohhh,” Natalia said now, finally understanding why his cell phone had gone out of service later that day. “We wondered about that, Tobey. Monica was even trying to call you all day.”

“I know. The house phone kept ringing off the wall too, it was driving me nuts. Leo came over, and I was not doing well. He accused me of going off the deep end. He came here to talk about you, actually, and I wouldn’t have it, I yelled at him, and blamed him for what happened,” Tobey admitted. “We argued and he left, saying he’d be back later to talk to me when I’d calmed down. But, I couldn’t calm down, and all I could think of was this damn bottle of vodka that I knew was under the kitchen sink, left from Leo’s birthday party like 2 years ago or something. It’s never tempted me, being there all that time, I never wanted it. But that day – God, I wanted it so bad, Natty. I had to stay in the bathroom a good part of that afternoon, I felt like if I could just stay in the bathroom with the door closed, I wouldn’t want it so bad. Later, Sara called me, Leo had told her to try to talk some sense into me. I’m so lucky she did, she came over here and poured that shit down the sink for me and then took my ass to Brentwood for a meeting."

“A meeting?” Natalia asked him. “An AA meeting?” She knew that sobriety was something Tobey had had for a good seven years, having given up alcohol before he was even the legal drinking age. But she also knew it had been a struggle for him, at least in the beginning, and it was something that he took very seriously. He wouldn’t touch a drop of the stuff now, not even a single sip or taste. She knew that attending AA meetings had been a part of his life now for years, and likely would be yet for years to come.

“Yeah,” he sighed heavily, and sniffled. “I haven’t been to one for awhile. And so then of course I missed Leo, I went home with Sara and slept on her couch that night. Well, I didn’t actually sleep, but you know – I stayed at her place.”

“Yeah, Leo told me she’d kind of been looking out for you.”

“She did, too. She was really the only person I saw much of for awhile.”

“I’m glad she was there for you, Tobey,” Natalia said softly, sliding her hand rhythmically up and down his back now in long strokes. He could feel his breathing slow with her touch. God, how he wanted for her to just take him into her arms and make slow, sweet love to him. He yearned for that with every fiber of his being now. But he knew that would have to wait. And he was willing.

* * *

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